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I’ve been asked by some idiot at MusicRiot to contribute to a ridiculous feature about the best 5 albums of 2012; what a stupid idea. 5 good albums this year; I haven’t heard 5 good albums in the last 40 years.  Is anyone actually making albums these days?  It’s all very well being able to download any track you want from Mr Apple (and don’t even get me started on MP3 sound quality, I make Neil Young sound like the voice of reason), but what happened to sleeve notes and artwork and all the other vital information.  And don’t tell me you don’t want to know who plays the flugel horn solo on track 4; are you interested in music or not?

Come on though, seriously, what happened after the Beatles, the Stones, the Who, Motown and Stax/Atlantic?  Prog rock in the 70s; leave it out, that was for grammar school boys who wanted to appear more intelligent than their mates by listening to challenging (or completely unlistenable) music.  Did punk change anything?  Well, the Sex Pistols were put together to sell clothes for a boutique owner and the Clash should have decided whether to do great music or great politics;  you can’t do both.  Disco; well, there were shedloads of brilliant singles but can you name a great disco album?

The 80s then? Dodgy clothes, dodgy haircuts, dodgy make-up (and that’s just  the men); was anyone actually paying any attention to the music at all?  What about the late 80s then?  Oh yeah, house music; drum machines and samples of cats from public service information films.  At least nobody released a track with a sample of a hoover on it, did they?  Apart from Joey Beltram and Westbam; ecstasy has a lot to answer for.  And then, despite Paul Oakenfold’s apocalyptic proclamations, guitars made a comeback.  So, what was that Britpop malarkey all about then?

Bunches of yobs with bad clothes and worse haircuts.  That was what killed off Top of the Pops; there was nothing wrong with it when it had a dress code and groups had to wear suits before they got past the door of Broadcasting House.  More ex-army commissionaires, that’s what we need today; that and proper haircuts. And as for the Battle of Britpop, what a scam that was; Beatles and Small Faces copyists without any decent songs and not a suit or tie between them.  And it hasn’t got any better with whingeing fops like Keane, Coldplay, Travis and Snow Patrol, although those Muse boys have got some good tunes; shame they’re mad as fish and they probably got all the best tunes from Matt’s old man, who nicked them from Joe Meek.

As for those rappers, what’s that all about with their bitches and hos and motherthingers and suck my thing?  Whatever happened to “I Want to Hold your Hand”, or that nice song about going for a stroll in “Itchycoo Park”?  And the bestselling album of 2011 was made by a pub singer from Croydon; you surely can’t expect me to pick out five great albums from 2012, can you?  And don’t even think about suggesting greatest hits packages.

Merry flaming Christmas.